Sometimes we cannot bring ourselves to let go. We unknowingly attach ourselves to a completeness, an emotional feeling of depth that something or someone completed a missing part of what made us once feel alive or reborn, a sense of security, a feeling of closure. A love that we captured and replaced within our own selves, which became our drive for existence.
Sacrifice and rejection are things we cannot adjust ourselves to—the sacrifice of an emotional feeling that made us feel whole again and the realisation that it had to be erased from our hearts in order to heal.
A hunger for love is what drives us, but the breaking moment of letting go is where we question ourselves: whether to go on and keep chasing that completeness that once was, or become aware that it may not be a feeling that can, or will ever, be reciprocated equally again.
A completeness from what became a starving desire that was captured long enough to enjoy it, but we can no longer have it at our fingertips. A chemistry that drove us, an awakening moment, a platform that we never thought we’d reach as a unity. The power of love held by two soulmates in love, a feeling of closeness, a feeling that we could never have imagined experiencing or dreamed of sharing.
We naturally will go on and fight for what we feel is everything in our existence, for what we know as that soul food, that hungry desire to experience a limitless mutual high, a physical need for an ecstasy-filled love.
We will chase that missing chapter we once had from a relationship through the memories we shared. The thousands of memories become so vivid that they appear to take over every part of your brain, and we cannot even think straight or function to our fullest potential. We seek love so badly, as it is the electricity that moves us, the energy we crave in our existence. We will go on and strive for that love and the energy love brings again and again, but we cannot ever comprehend that it may now be at the end of the road, leaving us in emotional darkness.
We do not want to let go or grieve over that unimaginable, once-in-a-lifetime, amazing feeling from that one person who filled that hole in our hearts. That one person who was known to be our forever soulmate. The one and only who became our reflection, our answer if we needed one. The one lover who we would go on fighting for for the rest of our lives.
A feeling that was once complete, feelings and emotions that were endless, laughter which made you sick to the stomach, have now become a closed door, and rejection is now what we face.
The moment we find out that only one of us is fighting for the other, the moment that only one of us is standing in the doorway, ready to run to the other side and waiting with arms wide open, is heartbreaking.
The other part of us, who seemed to replace everything and everyone, is no longer running to meet you halfway. A love torn, a love rejected, memories that won’t leave your mind and the breaking news that you won’t ever be a unity again.
The realisation that holding a memory of what was is no longer among us. A beautiful moment that was once shared.
It was the first stage of something unexplainable, a feeling we had never dreamed of or ever thought we’d experience, a real awakening of ‘true love’, a love that drew two emotionally crazed souls to become bonded together.
We can climb mountains and walk deserts for that ‘one love’, just to have faith that maybe, if we keep struggling through a tired fight for what fate may no longer have in store for us, we can have it all over again.
What was once stable has now caused you to become an unchained, irrational, erratic human being who is now zigzagging, climbing stairs upon stairs just to get to the top and realise that the door that was held open for so long is now closed.
A love that was beyond perfect is now no longer beside us, no longer beneath us or above us. No skin to skin, body upon body, lips upon lips. A feeling that was mutually reciprocated is now a sacrifice for the other lover to be freed from a testing moment that may have torn one of you, no longer holding you both as one.
Boundaries broke you both down to an emptiness that could no longer be filled because you could not get back into sync, rebalance and re-energise one another to survive. You both gave up hope and drew yourselves away from each other.
No longer could the two of you feed off one another’s energy and pick each other up, and the desire to get physical was no longer a mutual need.
The fear of sacrifice is something that we may never experience again. The fear that maybe, if we were both to try equally that bit harder, it could have been something.
Sacrificing a hunger for that one soul partner to allow them to be free of sorrow and sadness, and the realisation that what you are sacrificing may never come again into your own life. But the hope for them is that maybe, if you can see them happy, you can have faith that love will come to you in the same or a similar form.
It’s a form of rejection, although humanity has forgotten about true love and what holds it together. Relationships are hard. They are not meant to be easy, but in the end, as you strip back one another and learn from each other’s mistakes, you will fall more and more in love because no love is easy. We do not know what love is, or we may not fully understand the boundaries that lie between two people, but true love is worth it—to go on, to push through and endure one another’s pain, for it to be replaced with affection and closeness.
So maybe, after many sacrifices and lonely roads, walking blind and solo, you may wish to open the door to something much the same as before. But to not be able to wake up and see your lover sleeping peacefully again, to not be able to stare endlessly in awe of them and to not stare so deeply into their eyes that you stumble and lose your feet, because that’s the feeling of real love.
Throughout all of this, the most important part to realise is what we gain from a loss and what we can then teach and mould within the next unexpected new lover.
Everyone’s language and understanding of love, and their expectations of it, are different. But it is up to us to compromise and communicate in a more sensitive, compassionate and sensual way to create a stronger bond and allow true love to survive its course. Every obstacle that either person may face can be overcome if we support and fight for one another, which, no doubt, can ultimately allow us to flourish and grow.
For hope that maybe one day you both will be hand in hand, older and wiser, and together will have had a journey of blessings and sadness. But to hope and to hold onto something so powerful and fulfilling that just maybe you will both be leaving this world as one.
“A real love that cannot ever be replaced or upgraded.
A real love that is built upon layers and layers, yet at the same time you both feel as vulnerable as each other, as you both have stripped each other back of all fears and temptation, yet still stand hand in hand in love until the end, the very last moment and the very last breath.”
By Nicci Eloise.
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